Pad, please!
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage
insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I
wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and
get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our
guest.
Kathy Newman, 46,Winston-Salem, NC

Ho, Ho, Ho
I was taking a shower when my 2-year-old son came into the bathroom and
wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked
adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so
well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas
cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing
hysterically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at
the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had
captured my reflection in the mirror - wearing nothing but a camera!
Name Withheld

The following are the top four winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments
Contest in the "New Woman Magazine":

Na-na na-na na-nah!
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release
some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her
after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would would
be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice
just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell
Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence
was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped
what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked
out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when
the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.
Amy Richardson; Stafford, Virginia

Surprise!
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but
my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over
for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard
the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give
her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the
call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of
the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people
yelled, "SURPRISE!" My entire family: aunts, uncles, and parents,
cousins and all my friends were standing there. My girlfriend and I
were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like
an eternity. Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise
party again.
Tim Cahill, Poughkeepsie, New York

Priceless
One of the funniest "most-embarrassing-moment" stories I've come upon in
a long time was about a lady who picked up several items at a discount
store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of
her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker
got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear, "PRICE
CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPERSIZE." That was bad enough, but
somebody at the rear of the store apparently misunderstood the word
"Tampax" for THUMBTACKS." In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back
over the intercom. "DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR
THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?"

Mom's Advice
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was
squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She
went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and
whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite
itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office. He
was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did
it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the
back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting
at his desk with his penis hanging out. "I thought I told you to call
your mom." she screamed. "I did," he said, "And she told me that if I
could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
Chris

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Cetera (Teri) Heino
1999 SS #0069 and everything else.

The house my aunt lived in up in Chicago had an unfinished basement with a low ceiling where here washer and dryer were located. The electrical meter was also down there, and was accessible though an outside door that came down steps from the yard. Because there were spider webs all over the ceiling rafters in the basement, my aunt would wear her son's football helmet when she was down there doing the wash. One day she decided to throw the clothes she had on in the washer also...so she did...and standing there completely naked with the exception of the football helmet she hears this "ahhheeemmm", and turns to see the meter reader exiting the basement. As he left he turned and looked at her and said, "I sure hope your team wins lady"...

This friend of mine is a skydiver and a member of a local skydive club. They do precision sky diving exhibitions worldwide. One day they were doing a precision night jump for a county fair in a little town in the center of the state. The jump they were doing called for 14 of them to jump out of the plane, hold hands and spiral down to the ground. The visual effects they had were strobe lights on their helmets, red and green blinking lights on their wrists so they could differentiate between their jumpmates right and left hands at night, and bright orange phosphor smoke trailers attached to their ankles. All these were activated as they left the aircraft. When my buddy jumped, he was caught in some type of wind vortex caused by the plane, and he tumbled through the air for a considerable period of time trying to get his spin under control…finally just popping his chute to regain control. He saw his jumpmates in formation, pinwheeling toward the earth, but the winds aloft carried him a considerable distance from the fairgrounds, and he found himself coming down for a landing in a very quiet residential neighborhood. As he approached the ground, he saw a woman putting a letter in a street corner mailbox. After landing, he gathered his chute and approached her, with lights still flashing and smoke still coming from his ankles. He went up to her and asked "can you tell me where I am?". She just looked at him with eyes as large as silver dollars and just said "Earth"…