MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article ofclothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do hislaundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Firehawk or a Camaro SS.

THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. (Then he'll take a picture of the wheel on his car, the undercarraige or some non descript part under the hood.) Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. To men a garage is a shrine to his manlyness. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages. A real man always has an old refrigerator in his garage wether it is in use or not.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

quote:

---

Originally posted by Jim Mac:
Wow, jimB0, you're trotting out all of the old ones!

---

...well here's another old one...

...and no...I'm not going to take the time to re-format it...

> THE MALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
> AGE DRINK
> 17 beer
> 25 bourbon
> 35 vodka
> 48 double vodka
> 66 Maalox
>
> AGE SEDUCTION LINE
> 17 My parents are away for the weekend.
> 25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
> 35 My fiancée is away for the weekend.
> 48 My wife is away for the weekend.
> 66 My second wife is dead.
>
> AGE FAVORITE SPORT
> 17 sex
> 25 sex
> 35 sex
> 48 sex
> 66 napping
>
> AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "tongue"
> 25 "breakfast"
> 35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
> 48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
> 66 "Got home alive."
>
> AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 getting to third
> 25 airplane sex
> 35 menage a trois
> 48 taking the company public
> 66 Swiss maid/Nazi love slave
>
> AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 25
> 25 35
> 35 48
> 48 66
> 66 17
>
> AGE IDEAL DATE
> 17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
> 25 "Split the check before we go back to my place"
> 35 "Just come over."
> 48 "Just come over and cook."
> 66 "Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas."
>
> THE FEMALE STAGES OF LIFE
>
> AGE DRINK
> 17 Wine Coolers
> 25 White wine
> 35 Red wine
> 48 Dom Perignon
> 66 Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
>
> AGE EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES
> 17 Need to wash my hair
> 25 Need to wash and condition my hair
> 35 Need to color my hair
> 48 Need to have Francois color my hair
> 66 Need to have Francois color my wig
>
> AGE FAVORITE SPORT
> 17 shopping
> 25 shopping
> 35 shopping
> 48 shopping
> 66 shopping
>
> AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
> 17 "Burger King"
> 25 "Free meal"
> 35 "A diamond"
> 48 "A bigger diamond"
> 65 "Home Alone"
>
> AGE FAVORITE FANTASY
> 17 tall, dark and handsome
> 25 tall, dark and handsome with money
> 35 tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
> 48 a man with hair
> 66 a man
>
> AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
> 17 17
> 25 25
> 35 35
> 48 48
> 66 66
>
> AGE IDEAL DATE
> 17 He offers to pay
> 25 He pays
> 35 He cooks breakfast the next morning
> 48 He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
> 66 He can chew breakfast
>

MORE DIFFERENCEs BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN.

NICKNAMES:
If Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go out for lunch, they will call each other Emma, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle. But if Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:
When the bill arrives, Mike, Phil, Rob and Jack will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY:
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

ARGUMENTS:
A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE:
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS:
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.

NATURAL:
Men wake up as good-looking as when they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

quote:

---

Originally posted by jimb0:
Women Speak in Estrogen and Men Listen in Testosterone...

MATURITY:
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old females can function as adults. Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school romances rarely work out.

HANDWRITING:
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their "i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.

BATHROOMS:
A man has six items in his bathroom-a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from a Holiday Inn. The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

RESTROOMS
Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Women use restrooms as social lounges. Men in a restroom will never speak a word to each other. Never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?

CATS:
Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

DRESSING UP:
A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

LAUNDRY:
Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article ofclothing he owns, including his surgical pants , before he will do hislaundry. When he is finally out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt
inside out, rent a U-Haul, and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:
When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony." Men talk about "the bachelor party."

MENOPAUSE:
When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the individual. Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction-he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather
driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Firehawk or a Camaro SS.

THE TELEPHONE:
Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

PLANTS:
A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five or six days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:
Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out $4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography classes. (Then he'll take a picture of the wheel on his car, the undercarraige or some non descript part under the hood.) Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always end up taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:
In the locker room men talk about three things: money, football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about women. Women talk about one thing in the locker room-sex. And not in abstract terms, either.
They are extremely graphic and technical, and they never lie.

GARAGES:
Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawn mowers. To men a garage is a shrine to his manlyness. They hang license plates in garages, they watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in
garages. A real man always has an old refrigerator in his garage wether it is in use or not.

MOVIES:
Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a man. The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.

TIME:
When a woman says she'll be ready to go out in five more minutes, she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football game's just got five minutes left. Neither of them is counting time outs, commercials, or replays.

---

Do you have one that defines the difference between women and sheep for us? You seem to be quite the expert.

quote:

---

Originally posted by DanA_F99_1977:
Do you have one that defines the difference between women and sheep for us? You seem to be quite the expert.

---

...a real quick tutorial...pay close attention now...

SHEEP = 4 legs
WOMEN = 2 legs

SHEEP = really wooly
WOMEN = NOT! (unless they're of Mediterranean descent)

WOMAN =
SHEEP =

...get the picture...

quote:

---

Originally posted by jimb0:
...a real quick tutorial...pay close attention now...

SHEEP = 4 legs
WOMEN = 2 legs

SHEEP = really wooly
WOMEN = NOT! (unless they're of Mediterranean descent)

WOMAN =
SHEEP =

...get the picture...

[This message has been edited by jimb0 (edited 08 February 2001).]

---

quote:

---

Originally posted by DanA_F99_1977:
Congratulations! And I thought you would say there is NO difference.

---

...are you talking about with your eyes open or closed???